Well writing like a journal today self. No one checks this anymore I assume cause I stopped talking along time ago. Anyways, just got out of rehab...and that sucked. Although I found out how effective seeking solace with pen and paper is so today I will use keys and screen. Too much of a risk for my dad to find anything I write and then call me a faggot for feeling and let alone writing it down like a girl writes in a diary. Although I will admit...I feel pathetic "blogging". lol.
Anyways...kind of regretting the fact I lived...specially since I had three chances ofd dying. Three overdoses and here I am. Even one being a siezure and here I am, alive and kicking. Although kicking might be an overstatement, and a drastic one too. Im alive....physically and thats about it. I feel pretty worthless....being addicted to ecstasy, methamphetimines, weed, and any and all pills that are abusable isnt a flattering thought.
Since I have been out of rehab I have been sober for a full week plus the amount of time I was in "the Hab" as its refered to. Basically being sober is miserable. Specially since I used E...everything just feels like shit now... nothing is exciting period. Smoking cigarettes is even retarded now...it doesnt even have a calming effect or give me something to do.... just feels like shit and all I can think about is smoking while on E which was the most amazing thing ever.
hmmm...what else to write....my sister tried killing herself with an overdose while I was gone....thats awesome.... pretty much the only person I really give a shit doesnt even love me enough to stick around, let alone say goodbye to me. My parents trust me even less now that I have gone through rehab. I thought since I suggested it and asked for help they would trust me and I was willing to make a change because I only ever wanted their approval, but now that Im sober I am even more of a dissapointment....thats awesome too.
tonight I talked to my good christian friend Hanna asking for help....she told me God like I knew she would which is what I wanted to hear...and I asked about him and tried to understand how I could get him back. Upon that I was told I never had him, which means to me there is no God....
I know so well I had him. I used to pray to him, feel his presence everywhere I went. I remember praying to him every night, every morning, just loving him, feeling so sad that he needed to give his life up for me, specially since I didnt deserve it. But then I remember how I felt his presence less and less....I searched for him I begged for him to come back. Then suddenly things started going more down south than usual...abuse, physical and verbal got more intense. I begged him even more. And in my time of need, *POOF* gone forever.
I tried finding him for about a year after that...and never again. So I dont know how I can go back to him when he himself does not want me. Nor do I want him much....I need him but I dont want him because of what he has put me thorugh....
And I really want some God damn meth about now lol...ecstasy would work too....
anyways....that was fun.... got some rage out...good old venting.
Thank you rehab for at least teaching me that writing is good and thereputic.
Talk to myself again some other day.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Cries of a Lost Generation
The "The Lost Generation" is the title we have been so aptly given. But why are we lost?? We first can look at the generation itself. We have kids from young ages getting into drugs, alcohol, and tabaco. Teenagers and younger breaking into violence as what seems to be the only sensible solution to them. Setting fires using homemade napalm, flamethrowers, grenades, and chemicals such as thermite or nitroglycerine. Stealing from stores, schools, and people just for the adreniline. Driving recklessly for the thrill with no consideration of others on the road. Getting drunk out of there mind to the point where they dont even remember what happened. Having promiscous sex just for the pleasure. We look at these superficial examples and say wow thats messed up and everyone knows that it happens. Only today did I realize how bad it is. I know a kid who has a warrant and felony on him at all times. Rakes in money selling drugs 24/7 and goes to jail almost every weekend. Today one of my friends was beat with a metal bat by his older brother to the point of taken to the hospital and believed to have a fractured spine and torn ligamnets in his legs. Almost every single kids I knew was getting stoned today or making plans. One kid was punched and called "Fucking pot head" by his father. We could once again keep going on and on.
But the real question is what causes these trends now these days? Some say its just teenagers being teenagers. But the more I thought about it...could it be parents?? One of my best girl friends had her jaw knocked out by her dad when she was young. Her dad cheated on her mum all the time. My mum cheated on my family. My dad was nothing but verbally abusive (he was offered drill sergeant in Marines because of voice). Almost everyone of my friends has parnets either divorced or in jail. I even know a few kids who dont even live with their parents and their only about 15. The more I look at it the more I think everything to blame is from parents. Not just parents in general but parents who dont love their children. The lost generation could easily be called the unloved generation as well. They have never been loved or nurtured in a way that would avoid the current problems they go through. Everything, the drugs the sex the alcohol are all attempts at getting away from it. When that fails you often here of shootings and suicides. They realize there is no way to get away from the pain inside. In one last desperate attempt they put the gun to themselves hopeing to finally get away from it. The real shame is that they will just go to hell and know nothing but pain for eternity...it hardly seems fair.
You have to wonder is it really such a surprise?? The lost generation has been methodically trained to be this way and it will only get worse and worse. The only who seem to be left are the christians and sometimes religous in general but we can see the study trend of those even being wiped out. Pullman Christian School has slowly been taken over and has produced two of the biggest drug dealers in pullman. SWAT tapped their lines for months and finally busted them. Each one was held on 50K bond. Either way...perhaps the end is near. Not the end of the world but the end of true joy, true love, true passion.
This can not be said to be the Lost generation I think... at least not THE lost generation. I think it is the first of many many more. A forshadowing of what is to come. And that is pure desolation and despair. A loss of all hope and meanging.... in the end everyones life will be staring down a 45. or on painkillers whil watching their wrist breed a bright scarlet red. Then future does not look bright in any way. All I see is pitch black.
But the real question is what causes these trends now these days? Some say its just teenagers being teenagers. But the more I thought about it...could it be parents?? One of my best girl friends had her jaw knocked out by her dad when she was young. Her dad cheated on her mum all the time. My mum cheated on my family. My dad was nothing but verbally abusive (he was offered drill sergeant in Marines because of voice). Almost everyone of my friends has parnets either divorced or in jail. I even know a few kids who dont even live with their parents and their only about 15. The more I look at it the more I think everything to blame is from parents. Not just parents in general but parents who dont love their children. The lost generation could easily be called the unloved generation as well. They have never been loved or nurtured in a way that would avoid the current problems they go through. Everything, the drugs the sex the alcohol are all attempts at getting away from it. When that fails you often here of shootings and suicides. They realize there is no way to get away from the pain inside. In one last desperate attempt they put the gun to themselves hopeing to finally get away from it. The real shame is that they will just go to hell and know nothing but pain for eternity...it hardly seems fair.
You have to wonder is it really such a surprise?? The lost generation has been methodically trained to be this way and it will only get worse and worse. The only who seem to be left are the christians and sometimes religous in general but we can see the study trend of those even being wiped out. Pullman Christian School has slowly been taken over and has produced two of the biggest drug dealers in pullman. SWAT tapped their lines for months and finally busted them. Each one was held on 50K bond. Either way...perhaps the end is near. Not the end of the world but the end of true joy, true love, true passion.
This can not be said to be the Lost generation I think... at least not THE lost generation. I think it is the first of many many more. A forshadowing of what is to come. And that is pure desolation and despair. A loss of all hope and meanging.... in the end everyones life will be staring down a 45. or on painkillers whil watching their wrist breed a bright scarlet red. Then future does not look bright in any way. All I see is pitch black.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Why Have You Forsaken Me?!
I dont understand.... I am so lost in everything I think. I bring myself time and time again to blogspot or a messenger of some sort trying to think of what questions I have today. Trying to make sense of it all in my head and ask Ashley, Goeff, Kara, my mum anyone really, for an understanding. No one can give sufficent answers and the ones I get just further destroy me.
Why do I care?? I say I dont care about God, yet the only thing running through my head is God. Why? I say I dont care about anything, yet Im in love. I say I hate Life, yet Im still here. Is it Fear that rules me?? Fear of God being real or being false. Fear of being alone? Fear of there being a hell if I were to kill myself. Do I really let Fear govern my life?! everyhting I see points to yes. Im afraid of not knowing the answer, afraid of dissapointing yet another person. All I can do is cling to the friends I have hoping they can help me. But how can a broken sould guide another broken soul along? How can the blind see for the blind, the cripple steady the crippled? But that same broken soul can not turn to the pure for help because he is broken. Because he will be judged he will be cast out. Becasue he is broken. Is there a way to fix the crack?
The fallen do their best to help each other but it is not good enough. And Just when you think you can fly again, one of the rightous rips the wings from your spine. You were so sure you had it, but the ones you want to be like wont have that. You may have wings but they are not as magnificant as theirs. Which somehow means you can not join them. You must be perfect to need help... the ones who truly need it are thrown to the curb again. Constantly told off and belittled for being less than perfect. Told you have no reason for being miserable because they dont know about your life. But when you try and explain it to them they wont here it. Are there some who really dont have a reason to be depressed?? Quite simply yes. But what about the ones who really do have an exscuse?? Why is it I can not get the help the guidence I want? Why is it that God will not listen to my pleas?
....All I want is to fly again.
Why do I care?? I say I dont care about God, yet the only thing running through my head is God. Why? I say I dont care about anything, yet Im in love. I say I hate Life, yet Im still here. Is it Fear that rules me?? Fear of God being real or being false. Fear of being alone? Fear of there being a hell if I were to kill myself. Do I really let Fear govern my life?! everyhting I see points to yes. Im afraid of not knowing the answer, afraid of dissapointing yet another person. All I can do is cling to the friends I have hoping they can help me. But how can a broken sould guide another broken soul along? How can the blind see for the blind, the cripple steady the crippled? But that same broken soul can not turn to the pure for help because he is broken. Because he will be judged he will be cast out. Becasue he is broken. Is there a way to fix the crack?
The fallen do their best to help each other but it is not good enough. And Just when you think you can fly again, one of the rightous rips the wings from your spine. You were so sure you had it, but the ones you want to be like wont have that. You may have wings but they are not as magnificant as theirs. Which somehow means you can not join them. You must be perfect to need help... the ones who truly need it are thrown to the curb again. Constantly told off and belittled for being less than perfect. Told you have no reason for being miserable because they dont know about your life. But when you try and explain it to them they wont here it. Are there some who really dont have a reason to be depressed?? Quite simply yes. But what about the ones who really do have an exscuse?? Why is it I can not get the help the guidence I want? Why is it that God will not listen to my pleas?
....All I want is to fly again.
Friday, February 8, 2008
God Called In Sick Today
Sometimes I cant help but wonder if people still think at all about anything. Everyone is turning more and more into animals being driven by their basic primal needs. They want (do not need) more money, more TV, more sex. Its all a take take lifestyle these days. The deprssion statistics rise as this lifestyle we live can leave you feeling nothing but empty and pointless. The ones who come to the sad realisation that it is all for nothing do not hesitate to live life to the fullest and enjoy whilst they can or bring on the eventual end prematurely. A select few aspire that there is more to this life than meets the eye. They turn to the sky. As many men before them have dreaming of a life beyond. Some in a physical way others in the spiritual way. "Where did we come from? Why are we here?",They ask themselves. Most only can assume that we are hre becasue of GOD. A God THE God. Call "him" what you will. I mean after all there is a collection of 1000 year old stories that seem to link up together so it must be true. After all.... God said it was. O.o
Now before I get to my actuel point let me say this. I have been raised as a christian since I was born. At the age of five or six I asked Jesus to come into my heart. Not because my parents told me to but because that was what I wanted. I saw a picture of Jesus on the cross and thought anyone who would do that for me is very awesome. I remained a strong christian for years. Life was good. Other than an occosional spanking it was good. I prayed, I went to church I did it all. I BELIEVED it all. "What went wrong!?", people ask. (refering to my faith) Well...how do we know there is anything wrong?? Maybe I opened my eyes a little more. Maybe instead of running from the pointlesness of it all I decided to grow up and accept it. Maybe God is just a glorified Tooth Fairy? After all just like children you chase after something you can not see, you can not feel, just like Santa and presents. God is your fat assed jolly old man and the presents are those trinkets, that make it seem ok, and you give the credit to Santa(God).
All Religion is a desire for perfection and the fact is....there is no such thing. It is an unsatisfaction of the real. Like all humans you want more, you want bigger and better. So you turn to God(wether it be Thor or what have you). Life is corrupt and you are corrupt so you know what...lets make God to be our perfect figure to aspire to. Saying its God you are aspiring to is kind of pointless anyways. All christians acknowledge that there is no way to uphold all the commandments and rules God lays down. So why even torture yourself?!? If you know you will fail then why attempt it? Its like playing russian roulette with a semi-automatic 9mm. Your doomed to ne shot right in your face, leaving behind a mess for the others to clean up.
The sad truth is there can be no such thing as perfect. Except for ideas. As soon as you bring forth these ideas to reality they arent perfect cause they just arent. They never are. Vaccines and cures either kill a few or dont work. Xbox 360 are defective sometimes and their hard drives die. God isnt there for you ever and does nothing. Its the mind that makes things perfect. The Christian Placebo Effect I call it. God is there so he must be doing good. "I avoided that car wreck (Thank you God)" or you can look at it the way it is...you turned the fucking wheel dumbass. Not God. Anyways. Just quit while your ahead ok? Its the best idea.
Now before I get to my actuel point let me say this. I have been raised as a christian since I was born. At the age of five or six I asked Jesus to come into my heart. Not because my parents told me to but because that was what I wanted. I saw a picture of Jesus on the cross and thought anyone who would do that for me is very awesome. I remained a strong christian for years. Life was good. Other than an occosional spanking it was good. I prayed, I went to church I did it all. I BELIEVED it all. "What went wrong!?", people ask. (refering to my faith) Well...how do we know there is anything wrong?? Maybe I opened my eyes a little more. Maybe instead of running from the pointlesness of it all I decided to grow up and accept it. Maybe God is just a glorified Tooth Fairy? After all just like children you chase after something you can not see, you can not feel, just like Santa and presents. God is your fat assed jolly old man and the presents are those trinkets, that make it seem ok, and you give the credit to Santa(God).
All Religion is a desire for perfection and the fact is....there is no such thing. It is an unsatisfaction of the real. Like all humans you want more, you want bigger and better. So you turn to God(wether it be Thor or what have you). Life is corrupt and you are corrupt so you know what...lets make God to be our perfect figure to aspire to. Saying its God you are aspiring to is kind of pointless anyways. All christians acknowledge that there is no way to uphold all the commandments and rules God lays down. So why even torture yourself?!? If you know you will fail then why attempt it? Its like playing russian roulette with a semi-automatic 9mm. Your doomed to ne shot right in your face, leaving behind a mess for the others to clean up.
The sad truth is there can be no such thing as perfect. Except for ideas. As soon as you bring forth these ideas to reality they arent perfect cause they just arent. They never are. Vaccines and cures either kill a few or dont work. Xbox 360 are defective sometimes and their hard drives die. God isnt there for you ever and does nothing. Its the mind that makes things perfect. The Christian Placebo Effect I call it. God is there so he must be doing good. "I avoided that car wreck (Thank you God)" or you can look at it the way it is...you turned the fucking wheel dumbass. Not God. Anyways. Just quit while your ahead ok? Its the best idea.
Me and muh chicken soup
^.^ Well here I am... eating my delicious chicken soup. Chicken soup is one of those foods that can somehow warm your very soul. A much needed sensation these days. *slurp* Well I decided I would write something becasue quite frankly my blog is boring with nothing on it. This probably wont spice it up much either. I have nothing to work with. OOOOOOOO!! I know what Ill tell about. Pull up a chair Geoffy! you too Ashley. THis is one of those my little deviant stories. Mua hahaha!
Ok. So today after school me and some peoples went to the laundry mat. Yes the laundry mat. There were about 35-40 other kids form the Highschool and a truck with lots of Amps. We all barge in the laundry mat disturbing all seven of its inhabitants. We hooked up all the amps (really big ones...like holy!) So out is the amps. Guitar and three pedals. Keyboard and a whole bunch of buttons and electronics. (Electropunk band [yay!!]) So everything is hooked up, and out comes the video camera. "Are you ready!!!?" *Boom ba boom ba...* Holy #@&%! was it loud. The subwoofer.....geez. So anyways. We spent our time moshing in a laundry mat to an electrpunk band. Boo yah!
You should have seen the diversity of styles that were there. It was awesome to stare upon. Yes I admit as a guy I like fashion. OK!? Deal with it. Anyways. My gay prep friend was there along with like 3 other prepish people. Vast majority was hippy/punk looking style. And then the retro punks. Lol. They are the best. Clashing or bright neon colors ^.^ And then there was three black clad people. hehe. It was basically a festival of neon and music. Dig it!! lol. Rocked my socks off.
Ok. So today after school me and some peoples went to the laundry mat. Yes the laundry mat. There were about 35-40 other kids form the Highschool and a truck with lots of Amps. We all barge in the laundry mat disturbing all seven of its inhabitants. We hooked up all the amps (really big ones...like holy!) So out is the amps. Guitar and three pedals. Keyboard and a whole bunch of buttons and electronics. (Electropunk band [yay!!]) So everything is hooked up, and out comes the video camera. "Are you ready!!!?" *Boom ba boom ba...* Holy #@&%! was it loud. The subwoofer.....geez. So anyways. We spent our time moshing in a laundry mat to an electrpunk band. Boo yah!
You should have seen the diversity of styles that were there. It was awesome to stare upon. Yes I admit as a guy I like fashion. OK!? Deal with it. Anyways. My gay prep friend was there along with like 3 other prepish people. Vast majority was hippy/punk looking style. And then the retro punks. Lol. They are the best. Clashing or bright neon colors ^.^ And then there was three black clad people. hehe. It was basically a festival of neon and music. Dig it!! lol. Rocked my socks off.
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