Talking to thin air . . .

Well writing like a journal today self. No one checks this anymore I assume cause I stopped talking along time ago. Anyways, just got out of rehab...and that sucked. Although I found out how effective seeking solace with pen and paper is so today I will use keys and screen. Too much of a risk for my dad to find anything I write and then call me a faggot for feeling and let alone writing it down like a girl writes in a diary. Although I will admit...I feel pathetic "blogging". lol.
Anyways...kind of regretting the fact I lived...specially since I had three chances ofd dying. Three overdoses and here I am. Even one being a siezure and here I am, alive and kicking. Although kicking might be an overstatement, and a drastic one too. Im alive....physically and thats about it. I feel pretty worthless....being addicted to ecstasy, methamphetimines, weed, and any and all pills that are abusable isnt a flattering thought.
Since I have been out of rehab I have been sober for a full week plus the amount of time I was in "the Hab" as its refered to. Basically being sober is miserable. Specially since I used E...everything just feels like shit now... nothing is exciting period. Smoking cigarettes is even retarded now...it doesnt even have a calming effect or give me something to do.... just feels like shit and all I can think about is smoking while on E which was the most amazing thing ever.
hmmm...what else to write....my sister tried killing herself with an overdose while I was gone....thats awesome.... pretty much the only person I really give a shit doesnt even love me enough to stick around, let alone say goodbye to me. My parents trust me even less now that I have gone through rehab. I thought since I suggested it and asked for help they would trust me and I was willing to make a change because I only ever wanted their approval, but now that Im sober I am even more of a dissapointment....thats awesome too.
tonight I talked to my good christian friend Hanna asking for help....she told me God like I knew she would which is what I wanted to hear...and I asked about him and tried to understand how I could get him back. Upon that I was told I never had him, which means to me there is no God....
I know so well I had him. I used to pray to him, feel his presence everywhere I went. I remember praying to him every night, every morning, just loving him, feeling so sad that he needed to give his life up for me, specially since I didnt deserve it. But then I remember how I felt his presence less and less....I searched for him I begged for him to come back. Then suddenly things started going more down south than usual...abuse, physical and verbal got more intense. I begged him even more. And in my time of need, *POOF* gone forever.
I tried finding him for about a year after that...and never again. So I dont know how I can go back to him when he himself does not want me. Nor do I want him much....I need him but I dont want him because of what he has put me thorugh....

And I really want some God damn meth about now lol...ecstasy would work too....
anyways....that was fun.... got some rage out...good old venting.
Thank you rehab for at least teaching me that writing is good and thereputic.

Talk to myself again some other day.