I dont understand.... I am so lost in everything I think. I bring myself time and time again to blogspot or a messenger of some sort trying to think of what questions I have today. Trying to make sense of it all in my head and ask Ashley, Goeff, Kara, my mum anyone really, for an understanding. No one can give sufficent answers and the ones I get just further destroy me.
Why do I care?? I say I dont care about God, yet the only thing running through my head is God. Why? I say I dont care about anything, yet Im in love. I say I hate Life, yet Im still here. Is it Fear that rules me?? Fear of God being real or being false. Fear of being alone? Fear of there being a hell if I were to kill myself. Do I really let Fear govern my life?! everyhting I see points to yes. Im afraid of not knowing the answer, afraid of dissapointing yet another person. All I can do is cling to the friends I have hoping they can help me. But how can a broken sould guide another broken soul along? How can the blind see for the blind, the cripple steady the crippled? But that same broken soul can not turn to the pure for help because he is broken. Because he will be judged he will be cast out. Becasue he is broken. Is there a way to fix the crack?
The fallen do their best to help each other but it is not good enough. And Just when you think you can fly again, one of the rightous rips the wings from your spine. You were so sure you had it, but the ones you want to be like wont have that. You may have wings but they are not as magnificant as theirs. Which somehow means you can not join them. You must be perfect to need help... the ones who truly need it are thrown to the curb again. Constantly told off and belittled for being less than perfect. Told you have no reason for being miserable because they dont know about your life. But when you try and explain it to them they wont here it. Are there some who really dont have a reason to be depressed?? Quite simply yes. But what about the ones who really do have an exscuse?? Why is it I can not get the help the guidence I want? Why is it that God will not listen to my pleas?
....All I want is to fly again.
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4 comments:
Wow.
The ending was pretty powerful man.
I'm sorry I dont got the answers for you man. I wish I did.
Sometimes I think that the reasons we are given are good but we just dont accept them. That's gotta be the case.... but which answers? Er I dont know that's just speculation.
Anyway. Good post... and I'm sorry you could write it.
The broken... too crippled to walk, too blind to see. We might not be able to push the other up or guide him to the light, but we can huddle together for warmth until a kindred soul comes along to help. But until that time, we will sit in our pit, abandoned by others, but warm with the company we have. We may never be "Hot", but at least we're not icy cold.
Looking this, reading this, it's like looking into a mirror, only a distorted one as our lives are not exactly the same, and likewise are pains are not identical. Keep writing. It makes me feel better knowing there is someone else like me here, huddled at my back. Keeping me warm.
uhm person...I am changing it?? The only reason Im at this point is because I ahve slowly regaind a little control to my life. I am still WORKKING on cahngin even MORE. Where are you to make this accusation? lol. Im sorry I dont ever take shit like that serious enough. It makes you look like a bigger loser for jumping to a conclusion so fast. If you were with me every day and I wasnt doing soemthing then you would have a legitamate point. But the fact is Im doing almost everything possible to turn my life around.
i'm sorry. you can't know how badly i want to be able to help, but i find my self inadequate. i know that if i tried to say something 'helpful' i'd get sidetracked and end up pointing the finger and telling you how bad you are. i wish i could be truthful and loving with my advice. not just to you but to myself, to ashley, to kt. i just get bogged down with the details instead of seeing the big picture.
i really am glad that you are open and honest. i think that is so huge. like i told ashley, if you ever have any questions-stick them to me. i will do my best. :) i'm not to old to grow, i'm not too perfect to stumble.
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